Terrible

Life has been terrible since I stopped breathing.

Stopped writing, that is. Stopped opening my heart and setting the truth of it free.

My soul aches at times like these, but I smile and I laugh, and I excuse life for the pace it makes me run, makes me fight. I only wish for peace.

Two weeks ago, I had a seizure.

Right here, on the right-hand side of the bed.

I lost consciousness without warning. Wet my pants (technically a skirt, but there is no need to be precious) without knowing it. And heard a deep moan coming from my mouth, which eventually worked its way into the words, ‘Call an ambulance.’ It was one of the most frightening moments of my life.

I am angry and pained by the uncontrollability of life.

I’m not sure why I had a seizure. It came after a week of an odd sort of vertigo that I’d not experienced to that degree, before. It could have been the changes to my anti depressant medication. It could have been epilepsy, undiagnosed, until now, I wonder?

I won’t know for another few months. An MRI still to come. An EEG still to come.

And, truth be told, I am fine. There is a part of me that is at peace and happy to move through life with a smile, enjoying the beauty that surrounds me. Feeling fleeting moments with calm and clarity. Hoping for moments of bliss and surprise.

But there is this ache.

An ache that can only be soothed by breathing.

By writing, that is.

So I am here.