Good

I’ve been doing the dishes by candlelight, not because it’s dark, but because the candles make me feel something.

Our dishwasher is broken, and I’m amazed to say I’m pleased. The candles take me home. The swirling of soapy water on plates does too. And best of all, it slows me down. It gives me time. Time with my hands, time to do something good for my family in a practical way.

I miss feeling like a good person. Life speeds by and the small good deeds that once showed me how to like myself, have become lost among the clutter. Before I had children, before life became a giant white wave, there was more space around me to see.

Earlier, I experienced a moment so special it reminded me of the good I used to notice within myself. I entered the yoga studio to a packed class. I smiled and waved at the teacher. A fellow student moved her mat over for me. I thanked her, joyfully, genuinely.

And then the moment. After closing the studio door the teacher came to me and touched my arm. She usually comments when I don’t show up for class for a while, and since I hadn’t been for a couple of weeks I suspected she was going to ask if I’d been unwell.

Instead, she looked at me and said, ‘Thank you so much. That review you wrote made my day.’ And then the class began. My heart smiled all the way through it.

The gym requests feedback when new teachers start, and I usually ignore the requests. Too rushed. Too busy. Someone else will do it. But this time I had felt the need to respond. While I was at it, I singled out two other wonderful instructors (tonight’s instructor was one of them) and I wondered whether they would pass the feedback on.

Tonight I learned that they did. I was so, so pleased. Because although I’d previously told this particular instructor how wonderful she is, it felt nice to know she’d been seen and acknowledged by her employer, too. She deserved to feel validated by my words.

So the candles made me feel something, and that nice moment made me feel something, too. It reminded me of how good it feels to do nice things for people.

I hope I never forget that feeling.